Clever title, I know.

Fangs for the Mammaries [via buzzfeed]

Here at the Devil’s Demons, I’ve decided to take on the task of educating both myself and readers alike. So let’s start a little vocab study. We can kinda pretend this is something like Mr. Roger, or Sesame Street.

Today’s word is Alliumphobia, or  the fear of garlic. Many of you reading this may possess such a fear, as do many of our favorite characters from the anals of horror. Alliumphonbia can be a crippling disorder, resulting in:

breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack.

As you may have heard, vampires suffer dearly from this phobia. Vampires and garlic do not mix well. As a result, garlic has become a staple in any vampire hunter’s arsenal. If you need some garlic, here are a couple of options:

Garlic Mints

Easy to fool vampires with, garlic mints are a nice choice. Most vampires have bad breath anyways, so they won’t be suspicious when you offer them a breath freshener.

Garlic Beer

Apparently, some crazy people out there have been brewing garlic beer. This seems ridiculous, but I presume you could get a vampire drunk enough and start slipping him pints of garlic beer after a dozen buds have already been knocked back.

Garlic and Shots

Take a vampire to London, and then take them to Garlic and Shots. They’ll think you’re being cute, and you can probably lie and say that it’s just “garlic flavoring” and not real garlic. Say it’s a place where vampires go to mock humans. They’ll think it’s very cute and kitschy and will play along. I’ve been there several times, many while living there, and the potency of the shots promises to knock even the most durable vampire down.

41 For Anne Rice, born in 1941.  She used to write vampire novels and the ocassional soft-core porn read. Now she talks about Jesus a lot and is largely non-famous.

I’ll just get it out of the way that I’m a fan of True Blood. That’s probably not a very big surprise, but it’s also not saying very much since it’s the only vampire show that’s out right now. It’s rare that any movie or television show with a vampire theme comes around and does anything but stink up the room with Cinemex-style sex and Silk Stockings-style acting. I really cannot think of any tv show, ever, that has involved vampires that I’ve remotely enjoyed.  YES, I remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and are you serious? That show was terrible and so was Angel, and if you disagree then I suggest you and your friends form a “Fans of the WB” club and wax romantic on Joss Whedon and at your local Borders Books. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I very well know that you’re already doing so and you think I’m a rube.

Now that the haterade has been distributed to Buffy I will gladly admit that True Blood is not without it’s eye-rolling, embarrassing moments. The show suffers from some serious symptoms of WB-ness (I’m copyrighting that) that can make toleration a painful endeavor. Despite these symptoms I do think it’s a good show, and since the 2nd season begins in less than two weeks now is still a great time to hop on board and start talking about it. Don’t wait until it’s too late like I did with The Sopranos.

To kill time and to prepare you for season two, read along with me as I explain some (3) of the more awkward, ridiculous issues I have with my 3rd-favorite show:

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It’s April, there’s almost 0 evil shit happening in my office right now. So here’s a video of some guy who wrote some book about satanism, “the occult” and how Catholics are crazy and devil worshippers. I know, that was a great summary, but it’s an amusing view and that’s all you need to know.

(Trust me there is video, it just takes about a minute and a half to get going.)