32.) How long did it take you to join the Church of Satan?

Well, the application has taken fucking FOREVER, you should probably work on trimming this bad boy down.

It doesn’t matter how long it took, I’m really taking it now. You should be proud of me, not making me feel bad for delaying.

33.) Are you a smoker? If so, to what extent.

To an extent. I smoke if I want, but am not addicted. Addiction is bad, unless of course you are addicted to Satan or killing babies.

34.) Have you accomplished anything important or significant? If so, what?

I’m still alive, which is a big accomplishment considering the amount of damage I’ve done to my body and brain over the years in the name of being as evil as possible.

Filling out this application will be very significant when I complete it. Lord (Satan) knows it has taken me long enough.

I graduated from high school. Lots of people don’t do that where I come from.

I once filled a bathtub with nothing but ice cubes and 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor. I think that’s a pretty big accomplishment as well.

I also won the DARE bear in elementary school. Neat huh?

35.) Which parent do you admire most and why?

They are both probably going to be reading this, so I shouldn’t answer. BUT, if they weren’t reading this, I would say my Dad, because Satan is a male, and that obviously means the male sex is greater than the female, so Dad wins.

Back when I was a college freshman in the 20th century, I used to LOVE reading Landover Baptist.  This was 1999, and the internet wasn’t the vast realm of awesomeness that it is today. Prepare for a trip down memory lane- In 1999 I used Lycos and Altavista to find search results, I used Napster to introduce myself to Samael, At The Gates, Emperor and pretty much everyone else I still listen to today, and on Thursday nights I sat in my dorm room and drunkenly listened to phone calls between Glen Benton and Bob Larson [ed note: I actually did this]. The internet wasn’t huge, but if you really sought it out you could find humorous sources of blasphemy and hedonism. To this end, I loved the laughably juvenile anti-religious site Landover Baptist.org. 

For some reason, it popped into my head last night.

(more…)

That’s right, we’re going international with this gimmick! Well, I am. Price will be staying home to maintain our demonic NYC headquarters.

Now I know Halloween isn’t nearly the Holiday in the UK as it is here in the US, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an endless array of evil things happening. I finna find ‘em, and for the next week I’ll be bringing you updates from all of my wicked adventures in London.

Stay tuned for 6 days of drunken posts about how awesome the cold weather is. Kidding. I hope.