Only 9 more days until Halloween! Teehee! For today’s entry we’ll go with the 9 Satanic Statements, from Anton LaVey’s famous work, The Satanic Bible.

Actual Cover

Hold onto your dicks, we’ve got a lot of exclaimation points ahead of us:

1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!
2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams!
3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!
4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!
5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek!
6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires!
7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all!
8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!
9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!

When I was 14 that shit was awesome.

So celebrate October 22nd by checking out his grandson, Stanton’s, myspace page.  I read an interview with him in a magazine (Spin? Rollingstone?) last year and it was pretty hilarious. He seems like a fun guy, and he’s just like us, only bald, famous and expected to act like a lunatic. I’m truly envious.

This was posted on MetalSucks today and it’s faaantastic.  Brutally informative.

Is Someone Trying To Send Me A Message? [via MetalSucks]

40 years ago on Halloween, Wal-Mart became incorporated. Here’s to one of the most hated and most evil department stores/conglomerates/distributors of Wranglers ever known to man.

Have you ever heard of Chick tracts? If you grew up going to church (like I did), you most likely have, though you may not have realized that’s what they were called.  Chick Tracks are the hip name for a series of religious comics authored by Jack Chick, a crazy person who is probably very much like your grandmother.  The books were often given out at churches and other religious places that are exactly like churches.  They dealt with issues like abortion, drugs, science, smoking, and of course, muthalickin’ Halloween.

Today we’ll be covering the Halloween Chick Tract.  Here’s the teaser…

Oh indeed!.

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This film interviews many Occultists from various traditions including the founders of the Temple of Set Michael Aquino and Lillith Aquino. It also includes clisp from Anton Lavey’s Satanis as well and shows H.R. Gigers art..

I got nothing going on, but this is amusing.

Nor have they ever aspired to be. I know most of the time I do a poor job of describing what’s going on with whatever bullshit I’m linking, and this is no different…. but if you were born in the period from 1977 to 1985 then there’s a 100% chance you’ll recognize most of these comics. They harken back to the days when the comics were still “the funny pages” and they were, in fact, funny…. *sigh*

[via Ectomo]

Everyone knows how much Ghost ‘n Goblins was a hope-raping despair fest, but when I was a kid of limited resources in Charlotte, NC, playing through the first 3 levels (because come on, no one got further than that) was as close as I could get to cohorting with Satan. Needless to say I played it all the time.

Here are two videos unrelated to anything other than my lack of recent posts (Summer is awful) showing a complete playthrough of the second time you had to beat it, after finding out the first “room” was an “illusion.”

GO AHEAD DAUNTLESSLY! MAKE RAPID PROGRESS!

The Meanest Thing Capcom Ever Did [via Kotaku]

It’s April, there’s almost 0 evil shit happening in my office right now. So here’s a video of some guy who wrote some book about satanism, “the occult” and how Catholics are crazy and devil worshippers. I know, that was a great summary, but it’s an amusing view and that’s all you need to know.

(Trust me there is video, it just takes about a minute and a half to get going.)

32.) How long did it take you to join the Church of Satan?

Well, the application has taken fucking FOREVER, you should probably work on trimming this bad boy down.

It doesn’t matter how long it took, I’m really taking it now. You should be proud of me, not making me feel bad for delaying.

33.) Are you a smoker? If so, to what extent.

To an extent. I smoke if I want, but am not addicted. Addiction is bad, unless of course you are addicted to Satan or killing babies.

34.) Have you accomplished anything important or significant? If so, what?

I’m still alive, which is a big accomplishment considering the amount of damage I’ve done to my body and brain over the years in the name of being as evil as possible.

Filling out this application will be very significant when I complete it. Lord (Satan) knows it has taken me long enough.

I graduated from high school. Lots of people don’t do that where I come from.

I once filled a bathtub with nothing but ice cubes and 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor. I think that’s a pretty big accomplishment as well.

I also won the DARE bear in elementary school. Neat huh?

35.) Which parent do you admire most and why?

They are both probably going to be reading this, so I shouldn’t answer. BUT, if they weren’t reading this, I would say my Dad, because Satan is a male, and that obviously means the male sex is greater than the female, so Dad wins.

Back when I was a college freshman in the 20th century, I used to LOVE reading Landover Baptist.  This was 1999, and the internet wasn’t the vast realm of awesomeness that it is today. Prepare for a trip down memory lane- In 1999 I used Lycos and Altavista to find search results, I used Napster to introduce myself to Samael, At The Gates, Emperor and pretty much everyone else I still listen to today, and on Thursday nights I sat in my dorm room and drunkenly listened to phone calls between Glen Benton and Bob Larson [ed note: I actually did this]. The internet wasn’t huge, but if you really sought it out you could find humorous sources of blasphemy and hedonism. To this end, I loved the laughably juvenile anti-religious site Landover Baptist.org. 

For some reason, it popped into my head last night.

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