23.) Would you rather influence or be influenced?

I’m going to assume you copied this question from some other application and forgot to remove the “or be influenced”.  More accurately, I want to control people. Brainwash them if possible.

24.) Do you feel you have leadership abilities?

I am leadership personified. I once led a pack of goats through a pasture to be cleaned. I led lines of traffic into parking lots to successfully and efficiently park themselves. I led a group of people on a first place scavenger hunt. I can lead in all facets of life.

25.) Do you consider yourself a good judge of character?

Yeah. If I like you, you’re cool and OK. Sane even. If I don’t like you, you fucking suck and are a horrible person, a liar, a cheat, a scoundrel. Easy.
I do have to admit that sometimes I think people are out to get me when they actually turn out to be my friends. I usually only discover this however towards the end of a torture session, when it’s too late to save them. I still don’t feel any remorse for the killings.

26.) In what organizations do you hold membership?

I have and do hold membership in several high class groups/societies/clubs that I am very proud of. These include:

• The Boy Scouts – as far I know I never officially quit.
• The New York Horror Movie Meetup – potential breeding ground for other Satanists. I’m on the inside.
• Equinox Fitness Club – keeps me prepared for the apocalypse.
• Daughters of the American Revolution – A friend of a friend of a friend got me in to this one. No easy task.
• LEGO Brickmaster Club – Prepares me for eventually building real castles, bomb shelters, battleships, fighter planes, space cruisers. I also get LEGOs in the mail, and then get to pull LEGO people’s heads off.
• Amnesty International – Need to cancel this one for obvious reasons.
• The United States Democratic Party – Because I had to choose.
• New York Public Library – My inside track to eventually get a hold of the Satanic Bible.

Editor’s Note: Originally published on December 26th, 2008

19.) Do you feel oppressed or persecuted in any way? If so, explain.

Christians don’t appreciate me sacrificing babies in the front lawn. I am also made fun of for my astute fashion sense.

Also, pretty much 99 percent of the population is jealous of me, so they always give me these looks that say “if I were powerful enough I would kill you” or “if you weren’t so beautiful you wouldn’t be in this position” or “why is your god so much better than mine”. People are pretty petty.

20.) Are you self-sufficient or are you most productive in a group?

I am both. I pretty much excel in any situation no matter what the circumstances. I will probably say a group setting is best for me, or rather, best for the rest of the world. Left unregulated, I would quickly become a tyrant, slowly building an empire and eventually taking control of the world.

Not like this would be a bad thing. In fact, I am fairly certain that putting me in charge would help things. I’d kill the weak, promote the strong. And destroy all known copies of Saved by Zero.

21.) Do you make friends easily if you so choose?

I can just as easily makes friends and I can repel them. Need me to turn the charm up? I will 10 new friends in the next 5 minutes. Want everyone to hate me? I’m your man too.

22.) What is more important to you, self-satisfaction or approval from others?

Both.

Editor’s Note: Originally published on December 24th, 2008. Yes, I was applying for the Church of Satan on Christmas Eve.

15.) Of which country other than the one in which you now reside would you prefer being a resident?

Transylvania of course, durrrrrrr. If not there, Norway. Not only because it’s the birthplace of Black Metal and the site of many a church burning over the years, but because I could get away with running around town wearing a cape at night and not be committed.

16.) In what type of dwelling do you live? Describe your ideal home.

I live in a house in Queens. It does the trick. My bathroom is pink and brown. We have a large upstairs with wood paneling walls and metallic blinds.

I would like to live in Danzig’s basement or perhaps a pueblo dwelling. Or a castle in Mordor. Or the Deathstar.

17.) Describe your political philosophy.

I believe that political policy should always support my way of life and my beliefs and keep the oppressed oppressed. They are in that position for a reason.

Some of my favorite philosophies are:

• Let the downtrodden suffer, they will never learn
• Tax me less
• Legalize blood rituals
• Make churches pay taxes
• Give out booze stamps instead of food stamps
• Right to bear arms

18.) What is your personal definition of magic?

Anything that requires a wand to do. Turning princes into frogs, shooting sparks, that kind of stuff.

I also like card tricks. You know, pick a card, and they tell you that card. That’s pretty amazing stuff.

My favorite Wizard is Mr. Wizard. He one time had a kid do a handstand and eat some bread to prove that digestion works no matter how you’re oriented. I thought that was neat. I wanted him to ask the kid to shit upside down as well, but he didn’t.

Editor’s Note: Originally published on December 23rd, 2008

9.) What are your musical tastes? Provide examples.

I have a wonderfully trained and advanced musical palate.

I of course absolutely love and worship heavy metal music, especially that of the Satanic and Demonic variety. Some of my favorite acts include the usual suspects like Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, Amon Amarth, Lamb of God, and All Shall Perish. However, I have dug long and hard for evil music all my life, and surprisingly, much of it falls outside the metal genre. For example:

• Fleetwood Mac: simply because I get a nosebleed by proxy simply listening to them.
• Prince: the king of womanizers. His depravity rustles a certain carnal force within me.
• The Spice Girls: these evil bitches, scamming children out of their hard earned money for years, just to support their own evil intentions. Evil capitalism at its finest.
• Techno: nothing is as evil as impersonating musical talent and pushing a bunch of buttons on computer to produce anthems. Bravo good chaps.

10.) Cite four motion pictures you consider your favorites, and why.

So I’m going to assume you want me to give you horror movies here, or movies of depraved acts of violence and terrorism to show how evil I want to be and how that sort of stuff doesn’t turn me off or disturb me, but excites me to the utter brink of orgasm. I will give you one such example, however I imagine you want to see some creativity and proof of my well-roundedness. Brace yourself Satan!

1. Evil Dead (1, 2, and I include Army of Darkness): because I just have to put that one down.
2. The Muppets take Manhattan: because I was always jealous of the Muppets’ ability to up and leave everything and take a big risk in life. I actually started filling out this application after a night of watching this one several times in a row, that’s how goddamn inspirational it is.
3. The newest Rambo: because mass killing gives me one hell of a stiffy.
4. Fried Green Tomatoes: they kill a guy and fucking serve his remains up to unknowing customers! Grade A evilness.

11.) What are your food preferences?

I eat lots of food, preferably meat-based dishes. I firmly believe vegetarians are decidedly NOT evil in any way. They should be eradicated from our earth.
Some of my favourite dishes include:

• Beer: I once went 17 days consuming nothing but beer. That’s how hard I am.
• Burritos: because they slow closely resemble bombs.
• Gummi Bears, because you can bite their heads off.
• Cottage cheese: for getting big in the gym to beat up Christians.
• Beef Jerky: see above for Christians-beating benefits, and additionally there is something about munching on a wad of dried-up animal carcass that is quite titillating.
• Beets: they come from the underground, so they’re closer to Hell, which makes them tastier than above-ground veggies.
• Anything spicy: “make it hotter than Hell” they say!

12.) Cite four books you consider favorites, and why.

1. The Bible, because I love a good laugh! And it’s useful as a doorjamb.
2. Matilda, because the teacher is evil. And I love evil.
3. The Lord of the Rings, because I long to live in Mordor.
4. Breakfast of Champions, because there are drawings of assholes in the book.

Editor’s Note: Originally posted on December 20th, 2008

This is the fun part. 40 questions designed to test your ultimate commitment to Satan and all things evil. I just answered the questions. I will let you decide on their relevance to my membership in this fine organization.

If you don’t believe these questions are real, you can crosscheck them here.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Originally published on December 15th, 2008

Contact information, click to enlarge:

27, or the number of books in the New Testament of the Bible. Which segues nicely to me talking about the Satanic Bible.

Many moons ago, about a year ago, I decided to apply for membership in the Church of Satan. It was an interesting experience, which taught me a lot about myself and who am. So I have decided to republish this series of exciting posts, with the hopes that I can inspire you yet again this year.

I’m also lazy and won’t have a ton of time to write this week. So there.

36.) Do you drink alcoholic beverages? If so, to what extent? State preferences.

I’m drinking an alcoholic beverage as we speak (type), if that says anything. The extent is that if there is a good reason to drink, I will do so. I never turn down a good drink. Unless there is no alcohol in it. What is the point of THAT? I usually don’t decide to stop drinking, it’s usually regulated by things like having to go to work, the bar closing, stores running out of alcohol, prohibition, etc.

I drink a shitload. I know of no other word to describe my drinking. I love drinking with a passion. Both love drinking WITH a passion and love drinking … with a passion. Do you understand?

I prefer North Carolina, New York, Ohio, and California. Not necessarily in that order. South Carolina can be OK at times as well. And Texas. Sometimes.

37.) Do you have any tangible services or resources which you would care to contribute?

I have tons of coal that I would be willing to contribute to the cause. I also have lots of baseball cards that would probably bring all kinds of wealth to the group.

Services-wise, I need to think about. Again, I am concerned about disclosing something that could be harmful to my club reputation. I know for a fact that my skills as a carpenter would come in quite handy for building upside-down crosses.

38.) Are you free to travel? To what extent?

Ooh I like this question. Does this mean I could be going on some super secret missions for the church of Satan, roaming the globe recruiting new members?
Pay for me and I’ll go wherever you want me to. As long as it’s not New Jersey.

39.) Define Satan.

My father, who art not in heaven.
Wikipedia has a good entry for him as well.

40.) Provide your signature attesting to the above, and enclose photograph.

32.) How long did it take you to join the Church of Satan?

Well, the application has taken fucking FOREVER, you should probably work on trimming this bad boy down.

It doesn’t matter how long it took, I’m really taking it now. You should be proud of me, not making me feel bad for delaying.

33.) Are you a smoker? If so, to what extent.

To an extent. I smoke if I want, but am not addicted. Addiction is bad, unless of course you are addicted to Satan or killing babies.

34.) Have you accomplished anything important or significant? If so, what?

I’m still alive, which is a big accomplishment considering the amount of damage I’ve done to my body and brain over the years in the name of being as evil as possible.

Filling out this application will be very significant when I complete it. Lord (Satan) knows it has taken me long enough.

I graduated from high school. Lots of people don’t do that where I come from.

I once filled a bathtub with nothing but ice cubes and 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor. I think that’s a pretty big accomplishment as well.

I also won the DARE bear in elementary school. Neat huh?

35.) Which parent do you admire most and why?

They are both probably going to be reading this, so I shouldn’t answer. BUT, if they weren’t reading this, I would say my Dad, because Satan is a male, and that obviously means the male sex is greater than the female, so Dad wins.

27.) Have you possessed or used illegal drugs or been convicted of a crime? If so, explain in full.

Another trick question I feel. If I HAVE done either of the above, then that proves my evilness. If I have not, well, that means I’m a goody two-shoes. On the other hand, doing these things might reflect on my character and my thought process, risk vs. reward stuff. I don’t know if you’re psychoanalyzing me or just want to see if I have a long enough list of evil acts.
I got a littering ticket once. Wasn’t my fault though. I also tried to burn down the local community center with a friend one time with a homemade bomb, but we failed. We ran from the 85 year old fireman.

28.) Describe a significant experience in your life bordering on what you would consider the paranormal or demonic, if any.

As you would hope for, my life has been packed full of such experiences, none bordering either, but being the real thing certainly.
One time, I ate a shitload of mushrooms, and kept seeing a black cat cross my path. That shit was a ghost I swear.

29.) What forms of entertainment do you prefer?

Blood rituals, sacrifices, massacres, bloodletting, and strangulation. Not on me of course. I’m not crazy!

30.) Tell one of your favorite jokes.

Christianity.

31.) Have you served in the armed forces? If so, provide pertinent data.

I have arms. I am a force to be reckoned with. That is all.