When you think of “Midnight Meat Train,” your first reaction may be gay porn. Not here at the Devil’s Demons. It’s horror movie time! And what better way to celebrate the holidays than with a horror movie viewing.

I loved this movie. I’m slightly biased, since anything with Clive Barker‘s name attached to it (except for maybe his weird artsy indie nude films) I immediately qualify as amazing, but this movie was truly fantastic.

My family and I watched this movie the day after watching The Hangover, so it was an interesting role change for Bradley Cooper. Needless to say, he got fucked up in both flicks, but by different means.

Midnight Meat Train starts off a bit slow in case you are expecting instant gobs of gore, but ends up piquing your interest as the story behind the butcher starts to slowly unfold. I found myself on the edge of my seat as  Leon began to follow Mahogany, bringing himself closer and closer to the devil of a man.

I was waiting for him to jump out at any moment, and caught myself gasping quite a few times as quick camera work or sudden movements kept my nails bitten and Coors Light drank fastly.

I had read the story in the Books of Blood, so I was slightly disappointed that the story didn’t focus a bit more on Mahogany, specifically on his pains as his job wore him down over the years. Granted that became obvious at the end, but still. I am a nitpick.

Overall, the movie is great. There are tons of sick kill scenes, but a sort of cartoonish blood appearance makes it easier for the weak to stomach. All I have to say is tongue, fingernails, and meat tenderizer. Everyone’s good in this movie, and Cooper does a great job of portraying one becoming obsessed and slowly losing their mind and sense of reality.

It’s sad this never saw the light of day in theaters (at least “normal” theaters). Boo big movie studios.

So I went and saw the film Paranormal Activity the other night. I had heard great things, read great reviews, and was expected to be scared to death.

Firstly, I saw it in a stereotypical “big movie” NYC crowd. Even though the movie isn’t SUPPOSED to be big. So this means that the audience was 95 percent douchebag assholes, who either screamed at parts that weren’t scary, laughed when inappropriate, screaming stupid shit at the screen like “man he looks like my uncle”, talking to other, eating and drinking so loud it would make John Daly proud (you liked that eh?). So this definitely made some of the tense parts not-so-tense.

Secondly, the characters in the movie were so annoying, and their humor so forced that it felt fake anyways.

Third, it just wasn’t scary. I mean, you knew the whole time EXACTLY what was happening and what would happen. Sure some of the intense moments where something pops out of nowhere scare the crap out of you, but I’ve been scared by bunnies before too.

Verdict, just not that good and not worth watching in a theater. Most likely better served being shown in tight quarters in a dark house, along with warm booze.

2 out of 10 Critters