I hate you. We ALL hate you (ok, one brainless woman with enormous fake tits who used to blow an 80 year old man to get on tv tolerated you for a few weeks), and it’s because you’re unbearable. However, I didn’t realize just HOW unbearable you were until I stumbled upon this gem of you in your late 80′s/early 90′s heyday doing what you do best – looking like a 16 year old who takes his fashion sense from an Alchemy Gothic poster while singing like Poison. So thank you; in this Summer lull from all things frightening and evil, I’m glad to have this.

The scariest thing I’ve see all year:

Ed note – Trying to find the worst picture of Criss Angel was like finding trying to find the worst picture of Carrot Top- once you start you know there’s bound to be an even wose one on the next page. It’s a deep rabbit hole.

Sometimes we don’t even need Ridley Scott to make stories for us (or for that matter, Trey Parker and Matt Stone).  We just need The Sun.  Yes, according to The Sun, which I can only assume is most reliable paper on the planet, a 30 year-old “man,” from “Oxfordshire,” “England,” pushed a fucking unborn fetus out of his GOD DAMNED BELLY BUTTON.

Artist’s rendition

That’s right.  And just like Kuato in Total Recall, the little fucker came out dancing and singing Peter Gabriel songs.  It was truly weird.  Who knew the little piece of shit could sing, much less sing so well, and with a voice of gold!?  I didn’t, it looks like a little bug to me.

Anyway, read all of the bullshit story yourself.

Man, 30, gives “birth” to his twin [via The Sun]

Back when I was a college freshman in the 20th century, I used to LOVE reading Landover Baptist.  This was 1999, and the internet wasn’t the vast realm of awesomeness that it is today. Prepare for a trip down memory lane- In 1999 I used Lycos and Altavista to find search results, I used Napster to introduce myself to Samael, At The Gates, Emperor and pretty much everyone else I still listen to today, and on Thursday nights I sat in my dorm room and drunkenly listened to phone calls between Glen Benton and Bob Larson [ed note: I actually did this]. The internet wasn’t huge, but if you really sought it out you could find humorous sources of blasphemy and hedonism. To this end, I loved the laughably juvenile anti-religious site Landover Baptist.org. 

For some reason, it popped into my head last night.

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