I’ll just get it out of the way that I’m a fan of True Blood. That’s probably not a very big surprise, but it’s also not saying very much since it’s the only vampire show that’s out right now. It’s rare that any movie or television show with a vampire theme comes around and does anything but stink up the room with Cinemex-style sex and Silk Stockings-style acting. I really cannot think of any tv show, ever, that has involved vampires that I’ve remotely enjoyed.  YES, I remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and are you serious? That show was terrible and so was Angel, and if you disagree then I suggest you and your friends form a “Fans of the WB” club and wax romantic on Joss Whedon and at your local Borders Books. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I very well know that you’re already doing so and you think I’m a rube.

Now that the haterade has been distributed to Buffy I will gladly admit that True Blood is not without it’s eye-rolling, embarrassing moments. The show suffers from some serious symptoms of WB-ness (I’m copyrighting that) that can make toleration a painful endeavor. Despite these symptoms I do think it’s a good show, and since the 2nd season begins in less than two weeks now is still a great time to hop on board and start talking about it. Don’t wait until it’s too late like I did with The Sopranos.

To kill time and to prepare you for season two, read along with me as I explain some (3) of the more awkward, ridiculous issues I have with my 3rd-favorite show:

1) The Acting: Let’s just get this one right out of the way. This shit is like Saved By The Bell (In terms of believable dialog, not set design, there’s no The Max). I’m really not sure if that’s the fault of the actors (including a normally-competent Anna Paquin) or the writers, but good LORD. Just try to let it slide. Pretend you’re at your daughter’s school play. That’s what I do and it makes it harder to hate.

2) An almost distracting amount of sex: This isn’t really a problem, I’m just sayin’ sometimes I forget what I’m watching.  I’m glad I didn’t recommend this show to my mother or else I would have had to hop a plane down to North Carolina to bury her fresh corpse, but only after applying two coats of flesh-colored latex paint over her now permanently frozen open eyeballs. I mean there is some bonin’. I get it, vampires = sex, they always have, and now that Robert Pattinson rules the roost of teen lust it will only get worse. Try to watch it with a blanket over your boner and/or steamy vadge.

3) Really, a LOT of sex: It’s like, all this show is about. No foolin’. See that guy up there?  He fucks a girl in a pile of garbage, then rubs lettuce on her head. (Ladies, does this work? Hit me up). Sometimes I feel like the writers are running out of ways to stretch the plot, so the following conversation ensues:

Writer 1: “Oh god, we have 6 more episodes to go…”

Writer 2: “I know, how are we going to stretch this 20 minute episode into an hour?!”

Writer 1: “Are there any women in town that Jason hasn’t fucked?”

Writer 2: “No, but I’m sure there’s a cat lurking in the bushes if we want it to be.”

Writer 1: “Fuck it.”

Writer 2: “Exactly.”

4) Absurd vampire-creation method (sadly nothing to do with the awesome image above): In every vampire story, there are really only two ways you can “create” a vampire. The first is for a vampire to drain your blood but not kill you, and the second is for you to drink a vampire’s blood. In True Blood, NEITHER of things will make you a vampire on their own. Nope, you have to do both of them. Let’s really sit down and try to figure out how losing some of your blood, then taking some of a vampire’s would be any different than losing some of your blood, waiting 2 days, and then taking a vampire’s (which would apparently not work). I’m not sure how this would work out logically and I’m pretty irritated by such absurdity, but shit, I’m a grown man watching a show about vampires.

True Blood Season 2 begins June 14th.

Tags: anna paquin, hbo, true blood, vampires

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009 at 1:34 pm and is filed under TV. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.