Shit I Used To Buy [Volume 1: The Noble Collection]

April 20th, 2009 by Vincent

The other day I was having a conversation with a coworker about how, from the age of 21 to about the age of 25, 90% of my available income was spent on the internet. And not on useful things either, just total shit. I would get a paycheck and immediately hit the ‘webnets scouring thinkgeek, amazon, toytokyo and any other site with nothing useful on it to unload my paycheck. 4-8 days later I’d have a new 7″ tall dragon sitting on a pillow holding a sword, or maybe a dragon on a knife.

Seriously that’s how it went.

I’ve calmed down since those days and I can now see stupid things on the internet and realize that once they’ve arrived they won’t make me any happier. In short I can talk myself out of purchasing stupid things. 7 years ago there was no way. I’m pretty sure most people facing bankruptcy in the US can attribute their situation to such stupidity. Anyways what’s strange about my desire to purchase inane bullshit is that it didn’t start at 19 or 20, it started when I was 13.

When I was a young teenager, my house was loaed with catalogs full of the most useless shit imaginable. All mine. I would pore for hours over these catalogs and imagine how great it’d be when I finally had enough money to purchase my castle and I could fill it with maces, suits of armor, fake tapestries, laser guns, network servers, night vision goggles, and gargoyle sconces. THEN I’d finally have the respect such men as Richard Garriott elicit.

So in honor of my 13 year-old self (and Lord British), I am starting a new column called Shit I Used to Buy that will highlight the absolute worst of the dumb evil shit I used to buy. Today’s focus is on:

THE NOBLE COLLECTION

If you’ve never seen a Noble Collection catalog, oh my you must.  They make everything from Folding Batman Money Clips to uh, Spartan Dogtags (wtf?). But when I was little, say in 1993, The Noble Collection didn’t bother with such mass-market bullshit. No sir, they were all about recreating medieval England in your back yard, with your gang of virgin warriors:

I'm seriously in that group somewhere.

I’m actually pretty disappointed to see that they’ve changed so much.  Is it even still possible to acquire a hanging wall sconce for my replica (100% of their swords were useless for all purposes except blunt bludgeoning) King Arthur Sword?  There’s this classy letter opener, but that’s not what gave me such a boner.

Anyway.  Do yourself an evil favor and swing by The Noble Collection and waste some money.  Just search “sword,” and then be happy 2 weeks later when this thing arrives at your door!  Noble, indeed.

Next week: Design Toscano [I'm serious, I subscribed to this catalog].

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2 Responses to “Shit I Used To Buy [Volume 1: The Noble Collection]”

  1. The Devil’s Demons » Blog Archive » Things to Buy: The Twilight Zone Mystic Seer Bobble Head Says:

    [...] past the age where I buy any and everything dumb I see online (approximately ages 20-24, explained here), but when something like this comes along all bets are off. I’ve already pre-ordered mine [...]

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