This is pretty cool. I would’ve played with Barbies if they all looked like this.

I’m not sure who’s being fooled here. If it’s me then Chris Dane Owens is this generation’s Andy Kaufman: Genius asshole performance artist extraordinaire. I’m going to go ahead and assume he’s being sincere, possessing the seriousness that only a truly unaware nerd can muster.

While doing my religion homework, I stumbled across this gem of a site, loveallpeople.org. This is some of the best reading material you can ever find. I highly suggest printing it out and keeping a copy by the toilet.

There are so many great things about this site that I don’t know where to start. Some of the most salient aspects include:

• The horrible midi hymns playing
• The Deliverance from Demons First-Aid Kit
• The “keywords” across the top of the page. Apparently they wanted to snag porn surfers etc. who are searching for things.
• All the god awful web design.
• The Google ads all over. I saw a different ad for some satanic organization or horror site each time I visited the page. Good way to bring attention to your cause!

And of course the most import question posited on the site:

• What Are Demons, And How Can We Defeat Them?

The logic on this page is interesting to say the least. Their definition of “demons” ranges from terrorists to substance addiction and others. Also, apparently the bible can help cure these things better than “the Mental Health Professionals” defined here.

Get some nice horror paraphanalia for your loved ones for the holidays. Huge sale going on right now at Fearwerx.

Helllllllllllllllllllen. Tony Todd turns 54 today. Celebrate by eating some bees.

Greeting folks. Inspired by my recent move into the depths of Queens, I have realized that my life is missing something. While I have faith in myself and tangible things, I have never been one to seek or need spiritual guidance, or needed to believe in something greater than myself in order to sleep at night, knowing that once my time in this physical world has ended, I will be taken care. I’m more of a “end means end” guy, and that’s that.

Or am I?

I figured maybe I could try a little religion on. I see these churchgoers and idol-worshippers going about their merry ways, seeming to walk around with an air of contentment and resolution that I sometimes envy (only when I’m near broke or have stubbed my toe, but that’s just a minor detail). What makes them tick? Maybe I need to join such an organization, giving myself another layer of support in my life.

So what church should I apply for? Come on, what the Hell do you think? (haha, Hell, that’s funny). The church of mother-fucking SATAN of course!

What I didn’t realize was that there was an in-depth application process to become a full-fledged member of the church. Sure you can pay your 25 bucks and get listed in a registry somewhere, which isn’t any more special than having your name in one of those stupid Who’s Who books that your parents got brainwashed into buying when you were in high school. So I’m going all out. I’m ponying up my 200 bucks and going for the gold.

Going for the gold in this case means filling out a 40 question application, which is filled with some incredible questions. As I work through this beast (I got other shit to do too you know), I will post my responses, with the hopes that any scrupulous reader could help guide any of my answers that might be straying off course and could potentially contribute to my not being accepted into this church of churches.

Stay tuned people. This will be an interesting process, and I will need your support.

Happy Thanksgiving, all. We hope yours was as gluttonous and miserable as it should have been, what with the familial yelling and the resentment and the politics, etc.  In honor of eating the flesh of defenseless birds and not giving a shit about their children or friends, here’s a trailer from a terrible movie that has just been promoted to the top of my “to see” list.  Blood Freak.  Please stick with it at least until the voice over, then you’ll know why it’s so good.

Also, Price and I have finally finished our yearly “move around New York’s 5 boroughs,” so we can start posting inane garbage again. Finally!